Tying my tubes at age twenty-six before I was sure I was done having children was a very difficult decision. I didn’t make it in the typical I’m done having kids sort of way. To be honest I’m not sure I’m finished having children. My husband and I always wanted to continue until we had a little girl. It was one of those decisions I left in God’s hands. If I needed a c-section, my tubes would be tied. If not I would find a less permanent route that didn’t require unnecessary surgery. Obviously the decision was made for me when my doctor announced my cord was at risk of prolapsing and that required immediate attention.
My husband and I spent a lot of time talking about this decision and were on the same page. My pregnancies are hard physically, emotionally, financially, and always leaves us with a baby in the NICU or worse yet a baby being laid to rest in the ground. We were on the same page that our family just couldn’t bear another one of my pregnancies, and I couldn’t live with putting another one of my children through that experience. It’s too bad because I make adorable babies if I do say so myself.
Many people suggested my husband just get a vasectomy as they are easier but I couldn’t let him do that. He’s not the problem. Although I truly hope we never divorce or worse yet I don’t pass away at an early age, but if that were to happen, he deserves to have more children if he wishes. He’s such a great and loving father. I on the other hand will never outgrow how horrible my body is with pregnancy. I am the problem, therefore I feel responsible for bearing the weight of the procedure and the finality of it.
Since the procedure I have moments of grief when I realize I’ll never feel the excitement of another pregnancy. I then have moments of relief when I realize I’ll never feel the anxiety of another pregnancy. For me they go hand in hand. I think this decision will be one I struggle with but rejoice over for years to come. It’s a strange feeling having such mixed emotions.
Adoption may be in our future, although I’m not sure yet what that will look like or what route we would take. Or perhaps my husband and I will just enjoy our boys and each other and be thankful that we were blessed to spend our days on earth with two our of our three children. We will meet that daughter we always wanted soon enough, when our time comes to meet her in heaven.